I have had many endings I wasn’t expecting. When someone chose between me and the wounds that have created their identity. I was surprised, because I had assumed they would see the door. The opportunity. But I was overlaying my values onto them. Not everyone is committed to a life with the depth of intimacy that is my air. Not everyone wants to feel that vulnerable.
And that is their right.
I understand there are other things that have value.
For example, one time, while bathing with a boyfriend, Kali possessed me. And with fire in my eyes I demanded of him… “This love or your safety.” He was face to face with the defenses that had created his life. And I needed to know where he would put his devotion.
For me, it was a trick question. Love is the only safety. Because I have seen that everything else can be taken. But I am speaking from the wounds that have broken me open and created my identity. Not everyone has lost all their money without it being their fault. Not everyone has met death like I have. I have been left holding only the essence of things.
I now crave the essence of things.
He looked at me, naked and earnest, and said “I will probably never be in love like this again. But I choose my safety.”And he made the right decision for himself.
Tonight, I lost my beloved. And I’m sitting in the clarity and heartbreak of what I’ve chosen. Because it is so easy, when someone wants something different then you, to feel disappointed in them. But each loss, shows me what I am.
I believe in the beauty of becoming safe enough emotionally, that I can let go with full passion and trust what comes out.
I believe that s-x is a vehicle of such tremendous power, it is like kissing the mouth of God.
I believe in a depth of surrender that allows me to feel someone so thoroughly, they affect me.
And I believe in having a level of boundary and internal stability that I can be affected and not fall down.
I also still believe in trusting life, because no matter what happens, there is a meaning that allows me to evolve.
I am grateful for having the opportunity to have loved.
I am grateful for this tender pain.