After a sleepless night, I stumbled out of bed and thought, “Today I’m going to treat myself like a Queen.”
My sarcastic, gum chewing, inner Jersey snarked, “Or at least have the self esteem of your cat.”
It’s true. Kitteh gets on a primal level, that life is desire and surrender. She naps most of the day. Leans in to her pleasure. And never looks guilty.
I reflected on all the socially approved shit I do to mute my pleasure. Plan. Have conversations in my head. Eat mindlessly. Check my phone a million times. Try to over function when I really need a nap. Congratulate myself on my level of doing, and not my level of being.
Thank god my work holds me accountable to being juicy and connected.
This week I have 16 “discovery calls.” That’s in addition to the normal clients in my nest, being nurtured and held. Every few hours a new appointment appears on my calendar. There are stories of incomplete spiritual awakenings, sexual frustration, wounding, longing, and a general curiosity if I will actually see them, or just try to sell them some B.S.
My inbox right now is beautiful.
I prepare by going to my favorite local market, where fish, cheese, wine, and vegetables are tossed around by grannies and exuberant vendors. I ask the butcher for hamburguesa, pointing to a slab of meat and imitating a grinder. She laughs and says “here you go darling,” in Spanish. My favorite vegetable ladies slip in a bag of free dates and quiz me on how to say “lime.”
I go home to cook something vaguely Indian in my pajamas while I watch travel shows. I remember an Indian man, I seduced into cooking for me on our second date, used a lot of butter.
Yes, there are moments that beg us to be Superheroes, and then there are all the breaths and pauses in between. When I go out with one of my closest Spanish friends and start to unpack my fears, he asks me “Is there anything you can do now?” When I nod no, he hands me a beer and we spend the rest of the night eating and laughing.
This is being a Queen to me. “La vida” Allowing the hot water in the shower to be ecstatic. Feeling the love around me. Inviting adventures from a place of fullness. And savoring the pleasure as much as the pain.