SO one small good thing happened. I gave myself a pay raise again! In fact I’ve more than doubled my rates. I didn’t think that getting better from this functional neurological condition was going to mean looking at my income – I actually thought I was charging plenty already.

A few weeks ago I hired the amazing Isis Leeor to get me out of this desperate fix I’m in. She’s working with nervous system repair on a whole other level to anyone I’ve come across. On a somatic level, I’ve never felt so challenged by someone I’ve worked with. I feel like a novice in her presence (in a good way). She can feel into me with such sensitivity and catch me the moment I begin to dissociate (which is aaaall-the-fucking-time it seems). I’m learning so much from this mighty woman.

I paid Isis a fuck of a lot of money to help me, because I knew she had the answers I needed to get better, which was worth finding the money for. I’ve been pondering what we spend large chunks of money on. The sense of security we feel from owning a house. The power/thrill/luxury we get from driving a really nice car. The restorative effect of a holiday. We spend money to solve problems but really, on things that are going to make an unpalatable feeling go away.

Clearly recovering one’s child from constant distress and shifting family life from a place where you have long lost the joy in parenting and you’re enduring a hellishly hard daily existence is worth investing a lot in. I remember being at a point where I would have sourced any sum to solve that.

I notice when we have sessions Isis is fully present. She’s in vibrant health. She’s relaxed. She’s lit up from living a life she loves, a life I’ve contributed to by paying her a significant fee. And I’m delighted about that. It means she’s really good at helping me. She can only teach me to regulate her nervous system when hers is regulated.

I’m starting to see that I’ve been bleeding out my energy for years… and now I have to budget how many times I walk around my flat in a day. The actual cost of giving so much of my attention to so many people, much of it for free, in a desperate bid to feel useful or loveable or something… turns out not to be sustainable. I’ve racked up a huge debt with my body and now I’m doing time.

So as well as learning how to protect my energy by undoing the people pleasing autopilot, I’m also putting up my prices.

Isis says ‘this is what it costs for me to help you without hurting myself’.